Comfort at the Bottom of a Doritos Bag

I wished Festivus was celebrated in October because I need to air some grievances.

Diet foods are terrible. 

There is no good diet soda.  You can keep your Dr Peppers and Coke Whatevers.  Diet soda is nasty.

Tofu should be banned in all 57 states. 

Those 100 calorie “Oreos” ARE NOT OREOS.

If I’m craving a Pepsi and a bag of Doritos, Diet Pepsi and Baked Lays won’t cut it.

If I order a cheeseburger, I will heave that veggie “burger” at you with all my might.

Why in the world would I accept the counterfeit when I want the real thing…

…

Oh GREAT.

For at least a decade I have taken my emotional needs to a frozen pizza and bag of Doritos. 

I went to the counterfeit comfort of food instead of intimacy with a loving Father who longs to free me from this.

Too scared to invite friends or family into my darkest night, I take my pain to that stuffed crust pizza and devour it.

The Apostle Peter wrote that we should “cast all our cares on” Jesus.  I’ve been scared to.  Maybe I was scared.  Maybe I didn’t trust him enough.

I hid my pain from everyone and instead of self medicating with alcohol or drugs, I abused food.

I’m finding that as I open up more of my heart I feel accepted, not condemned.  I feel closer to my friends, not further away. 

For six of our seven years of marriage, I subconsciously thought my wife needed a Knight whose armor shined unblemished by mistakes and pain.  That wasn’t me, so I tried to hide the chinks in my armor. 

Since December I have been methodically revealing that my armor isn’t so shiny.  Surprisingly, she knew.  Turns out, I’m not very good at hiding things. 

And the more I go to her with what’s on my heart… good, bad, indifferent… the more she responds with love and appreciation. 

She had wilted, emotionally.  When I started to simply share what was on my mind, I began to notice that she wasn’t wilted anymore… and neither was I.

Jesus is healing us, not by taking all the hurt away, but by mending our hearts together… something I had never let him do completely.

And as he is doing that, food’s hold over me is now the thing that’s wilting. 

I look forward to the day I no longer wage war against myself to turn away from the 7^th piece of pizza.  But the thing is, I can see that day coming.  That will be a pretty nice day.

And that low fat mayonnaise? 

“IT’S NOT MAYONNAISE”

(And if you were wondering, I did wake up early today and exercise.  I also skipped Doughnut Thursday at work.  And right before adding this post script, I delighted in a Blue Bunny Champ with my wife…  Thanks for the prayer and support, and keep praying!!)

Despair, Thy Name is "Oatmeal"

“…we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:5b

Most school days include my son coming to tell me breakfast is ready.  I finish trying to tame my herd of cowlicks and head to the kitchen.  Behold, my nemesis.

Now, I’m sure oatmeal isn’t evil.  But you would never believe it if you saw my reaction.  I see a bowl and my face contorts like my cheeks are double jointed.

Before I know it, my frown is saying to my wife, “Thanks a lot, jerk!” before my mouth can say, “Thank you, my love!”

Why is it so hard to control my Self? 

I want what I want.  And what I don’t want, I REALLY don’t want!

I wish it stopped at oatmeal, though.  The deeper I dig, the more I realize I’m a whiny baby.

My ears hear, “Honey, would you please help me rearrange furniture” and my eyes roll like they’re part of a slot machine.

I want Doritoes, we have celery.  I want to sit, I need to walk. 

Jesus calls me to “deny” myself.  I didn’t get to 340 lbs by denying myself anything but vegetables. 

I’m selfish.  Self-centered.  Self-involved.

I’m called to think of others before I think of myself.  It’s hard.  No one’s self enjoys being denied, right? 

I don’t remember ever thinking, “MAN, I enjoy sacrificing!”

I think, “BLEEP!  Sacrifice?!?!”

So here I sit… Preparing to take the chair and whip into the cage knowing my selfish desires are ready to attack.

I want to wake up to the smell of bacon tomorrow.

I plan on waking up before my wife and exercising.

If you’re up around 6:15 am Central time, pray for me.

I’ll let you know how it turned out.

And so it Begins

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”  -- Jesus of Nazareth

Really?  Another blog about losing weight?

I searched a few terms before I started.

“Weight Loss Blog” – 147,000 results

“Diet Blog” – 183,000 results

“Christian Weight Loss Blog” – 42,300

“Jay is too fat” – 1 result... by a guy who no type good.

I’m Jay.  I’m 32 and I’m too fat.  150 pounds too fat.

I own eight diet books, four exercise videos and a stationary bike.

I know how to cook.  I am able to walk. 

I have tried to lose weight before.  I have failed every time.

Suffice it to say, this will not be a “How to” blog! 

This, my friends, is a “This $%!+ is haaaarrrrrrdddddd” blog.

Losing weight has been difficult and I don’t do difficult.

My default reaction to anything difficult is to retreat inward, not talk about it, pretend everything is ok and wait it out. 

It took so much energy to keep a fake smile plastered on my face that I was too tired to stay active.  I was too tired to engage my wife in real relationship.  Too tired to play with our five year old son and one year old daughter for more than ten minutes at a time.

Something had to happen.  Eleven months ago, Jesus went to work on some deep hurts in my life.  He’s been cleaning out the pain I’d been burying for years.  I feel so good emotionally that I have finally been able to look at myself in a mirror…  YOWZA.

I used to watch The Biggest Loser and stay detached.  “Sure, they’re as big as I am but they’re REALLY unhealthy.”

Now I can let myself see how far I have to go and am finally willing to face it.

My wife is ready to support me, our son already prays for me and my daughter drools on me a lot… I’m still working on my relationship with my daughter.

The interwebs is as public as it gets.  And I’m no longer willing to hide from life.

This blog is me, not hiding.  This is my attempt at engaging a daunting reality in my life.  And, hopefully, you’ll be able to laugh with me (usually at me) along the way.

I’d love to hear from you along the way.  I will need both comfort and sarcasm.  Hope and pain.  Email me and expect a witty comeback in return

The journey of 150 pounds begins with a single step. 

Now where are those Oreos?

  

“Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.”  -- Paul of Tarsus